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[Dec. 5th, 2009|07:04 pm] |
Hmm, I feel kind of embarrassed because I post my livejoural link where anyone could click it, yet the only entries I do not set to "Private" or "Friends Only" are the ones that are foolish, or meaningless.
That's too bad. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 5th, 2009|01:19 pm] |
I just found this on my computer. How cute!
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2009|05:18 pm] |
I'm writing a little short story about "Noel en France."
Christmas in France... I might post it here, soon.
Anyone willing to give constructive criticism? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 3rd, 2009|05:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Think I Wanna Die. | ] |
So, uhm.
I'm broken. |
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| Oh, one more thing |
[Dec. 2nd, 2009|11:26 pm] |
I'm glad Maria and I are both aware that december is the best month of the year.
Goodnight |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2009|11:18 pm] |
The sky looks so interesting, tonight! The clouds must be moving fifty miles per hour while the sky is the darkest blue I've seen it become.
Good thing I took my blinds down.
(yes I know how gay this post is) |
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| And you still do deserve it. |
[Nov. 28th, 2009|07:13 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | andrew landon. | ] |
Reading that again makes me feel uneasy.
I wonder how you've been feeling?
I wonder if anyone's come around to show you how truly wonderful you are.
In every way.
I wonder if you've ever needed me
and I couldn't be there.
and I wasn't even thought of as someone to go to.
I wonder how many times you've questioned your self worth.
I wonder how many times I should have said "I love you" and didn't.
I really just wanna spend some time with you.
I really just want to get back to where we were
-- to how we were.
You're beautiful, you're wonderful, you're hilarious.
I miss that about you.
I miss our conversations being made up mostly of
laughing, rather than actually speaking.
I miss just laying in bed, talking about nothing, yet talking about everything, with you.
We shouldn't have let ourselves drift this far apart.
My heart will always be open to you, though.
No matter who else is here, I feel you'll always have an advantage.
I connect with you the best. <3
I miss you, I miss you.
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| This is where anxiety kicks in. |
[Nov. 23rd, 2009|08:06 pm] |
my head is pounding, my eyes are burning and the stressing is making my face feel uncomfortably hot.
I've just realized that I no longer have a way to cope with any of my overwhelming emotions.
I hate when adults misuse their power. I hate when parents lose their desire to actually listen to their child. To respect them, even though they're young! To do what benefits them, especially if the opposite does not benefit the parent in any way.
I hate when I'm pouring my heart into something I strongly care about and they just laugh as if I'm just so naive.
I haaate being made a fool of! Especially when I know I'm right. And you still don't listen.
So suddenly I feel myself detaching from everyone surrounding me. No one gets how the most innocent remarks are tearing my mind to pieces.
So suddenly I realized how few of people are true to their word; how few of people have pure intentions.
Suddenly, I realized how quickly the quality of being a "people person" has left me.
Isolation fits me well.
I wonder why so many humans are inhumane... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 23rd, 2009|06:42 pm] |
I hate being able to only see the [usually] fake emotions people prefer to show.
And there's nothing I can do about it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2009|08:44 pm] |
Its hard to sleep when the smell of him is still here and he is not.
I miss him! A lottt. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 19th, 2009|04:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | joe purdy. | ] |
I'm only embarrassing myself.
(But it makes me happy.)
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 18th, 2009|12:34 am] |
10:45, 11:18, 12:00. Sweat rolling down from my face. Swallowing the saliva I fear I may choke on in my sleep-- body numb. I felt all emotion drain from my poor body in less than a few minutes. Becoming dizzy, I hurried to my bed where I was certain (how scary, to be so certain!) that this was the final time I'd plop into bed-- the final time I'd see! (so, what a shame that my vision had become so very blurred!). Sweating yet felling so cold! I hid beneath my sheets. And my eyes felt as if they were pressing themselves in! Black spots overwhelmed my room and this is when I knew I wouldn't awaken. This is when I knew.
I, so all of a sudden, jerked up from my sleep! As well as the remains of my breakfast. Lunch. And dinner. (but by this time far worse had already happened!)
Now, 12:21. Twenty-one minutes ago I laid off to the side of my bed gripping the trashcan (noticing my strength made its way back). Twenty-one minutes ago I found myself slightly disappointed at my awakening...
Oddly, the first thing I thought of after this (and the only thing I thought of durring my inability to move during my "last sleep") was, of course, ned. Before I laid down to my death, I thought maybe I should write him something! For, what if I passed without saying a word? Or maybe that would have been best? Regardless, my weak body would not allow me to do so. So for that reason, I'm glad I got another chance!
my stomach is still doing its own thing and I'm sure this isn't the end of my miserable night.
and if I die before I wake! I love you, Ned. With all the strength left in me. And sense we didnt get to talk today, I hope you (and your family) are doing alright...
Once again, sleep tight. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2009|09:05 pm] |
I'm incredably sick. My insides are doing as they please and my eyes sting. I'm [kind of] angry (when I know I shouldn't be). But on the bright side I've accumulated a list of books I want to read, even though I'll probably never have a chance to finish, even, the one I spent many months looking for (a hundred years of solitude).
Hmm, I have no real reason for updating this. But sense I'm keeping everything else on private...
I'm off to bed, perhaps. Though every day seems wasted when I don't speak to Ned! But I can't do anything more about that.
Sleep tight. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2009|09:30 pm] |
My stomach feels like it's trying to form into a whole other creature. Terribly painful.
So I'm off to bed. This would be a good day for a weekend... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2009|07:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Nick drake | ] |
maria.
Come see me.
okay? |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2009|07:05 pm] |
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ew, I'm not gonna write anymore. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 11th, 2009|05:37 pm] |
You're the most beautiful man. I don't know why that's so hard for me to remind you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 8th, 2009|04:51 pm] |
I don't think anyone knows how hard it really is being separated from half your family.
It only gets worse, and worse...
Remembering past three days is torture. Eventually the pain will numb, and the pictures will be desensitized.
For now, I can do nothing more than cry at the reminder. At the pictures. At the "new messages."
Isiah was like "I miss your sisters" (to Jay) "they were cool, I didn't ever think I would get to meet them. I hope I get to hang out with them next time, too."
Jay was like, "yeah, I told you they were cool as hell!"
I had hoped Ned would take my mind off this. But I guess that's not his job, anyways.
I don't know what else to do. I wasted the last couple of hours with them being angry.
I guess in hopes that it'd make the departure less painful. It only added regret.
I remember my mom, at one point, trying to cheer my up by saying "smile! how can you be sad when you're going to see Ned, later?"
When I knew it should have been "how can you be sad when you get to see us, for once?"
I'm always mad.
I don't know why. But I hope it doesn't push you away. |
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